A Day in the Life of BSU

It has come to my attention that John McCain, Arizona Senator and Presidential canidate has found a new cure to his nicotine addiction: babies. While attending a White Supramacists meeting in rural Gerogia McCain was seen lighting up a 6-month year-old I later identified as John “Boy” Smith Jr. When questioned after the event McCain had this to say, “I no longer am addicted to nicotine. No longer will the fools in the nicotine special interests control my actions as they have for the past 13 years. I am my own man.” McCain then grabbed junior, who had since been sedated, and lit ‘em up.

Is anyone else as disturbed as I am by this?

Later that same week McCain accused Obama of cutting ECFE funding. WTF! At least there will be kids in Obama’s Early Childhood Education system. Under a McCain administration our newborns would become a national smoking fad.

Shame on you John McCain. Shame on you.

I know that the rest of my fellow students here at BSU seem to think that this blog is just a reason for them to talk about the wicked parties and the illicit “dealing” that goes on here. But i am here to make this college look like somewhere where normal people that don’t like parties, or having friends, or dealing drugs would like to go. The academics here at BSU are in one word too good to be true. I have never been more informed about the news on XO3, which is about to elect its new president, nor have i known more about the three-toed sloth. Financial aid is also amazing, even though i do not approve, professor schmidt does a good job of keeping is students enrolled. As long as you meet your quota, your guaranteed to still have your position at this great institution. He just goes and has a word with Dr. Massachusetts, and its all taken care of. Of course, no one sees Dr. Massachusetts for a couple days afterwards, but no one likes him anyways. Coming from a woman with a size 13 wide shoe, the size 9 brown shoes are starting to get on my nerves. Back to the point, the financial aid is great. Even if you aren’t involved in a class with Professor Schmidt, everyone who’s parent make above 20 million dollars a year gets free admission, and anyone who’s parents make under that are free to hire a lawyer and take up their financial aid package up with the O of FA. (office of financial aid for all of the international students). Which brings me to my next point, our study abroad programs. BSU does not currently have information on its site about financial aid because it does not want to shame certain institutions who claim to have the best study abroad programs. Professor Frenette is more than willing to fly a student interested in study abroad to a country of his or her choice on her homemade space rocket, she needs an excuse to test it before going to XO3. We don’t actually have contacts at any instituations in foreign countrys, but we feel you get a more “authentic” experience there when you show up with no passport, no experience in the language, and tell everyone that you need a pack of strawberries. Anyways, i hope this gives you all a much clearer picture of academic life at BSU.

So today we had tryouts for our world-renowned grenade curling team. Needless to say, it didn’t go so well. We started out by giving all of the kids trying out a regulation Nike Grenade Curling Grenade.

Henry was the first to audition. We asked him where his grenade was, and before he said that he ate it. Ugh, Freshmen. I hope he has a nice long time to think about how much he let the team down before it goes off. Up next there was some fat kid, then some skinny-fat kid, then some snobby-fat kid, and then some chunky-flubly fat kid. After that was my drug dealer, but he just stopped by to say hello after a nice steroid deal he had with some of the people further down the line. Surprisingly, the next few people were a little better, and scored three or four goals each in only a couple minutes.

It went pretty well overall, only a few more people died than last year. Luckily, we booked the paramedics ahead of time.

It was pretty embarrassing to inform them of a rash that had been going around that caused an irritation shaped like Bob Saget from the 90’s.

So i just got back from the best party of the year at Skabard Hall.  I wore this amazing dress that I bought from my work.

So yesterday at work i totally realized that my boss just LOVES me!!!!  She was like, Abigail, you need to go back to the cashwrap.  And then like 10 minutes later, she came up to me again and told me that if i didn’t go back to the cash wrap she would have to send me home.  Wasn’t that just soooo nice of her?  I can’t wait to go back to work today.  I hope she is working she said that today she would bring my training materials back to me.  I’m not sure why, but i plan to put them all in my scrapbook.  Wasn’t that nice of her to think of that idea for me? 

 I also plan on wearing my dress to work today.  It smells a little from the party, but that’s okay because i use the soap that my boss gave me and told me to use, so really even though my friends tell me that i smell like B.O. i really just smell like the soap. 

I was curious as to why my instructor was wearing a fireproof suit when I walked into the classroom. What I didn’t know was that earlier that day, the janitors turned our classroom into a giant furnace. As I was collecting the bits of me that were melting off, I noticed that they mounted a few of the school’s drill presses on the wall. I thought that was a nice touch.

We had the rest of the class in a hospital room that day.

Man, I am really not looking forward to the tornado drills. How many of these do we have to do a year?

As my freind Curly the Clown and I sit here in the field, we look up at the stars and talk amongst ourselves. After taking at hit on the pipe, I ask the gods, “Why do we play football? It is such a brutal game and what’s wrong with frolicking through the daisies?”

After my statement, I passed out. I awoke and I noticed I had no clothes on. Those dumb football players took my pants again to use as a towel. Why! This is so annoying

Dear Journal,

Today was the best and worst day of the year. Our Co-Ed Dance Line team, the Dancing Batmobiles won first place at the Valley of Ashes invitational. This was our first and biggest win of the season. We haven’t beat Superman Cape College in over 15 years.

They didn’t take kindly to our victory, and in our traditional March of the Flowers ceremony, they attacked our captain, Johnny Dance. He suffered a severe concussion and a torn hamstring. He could be out for the season.

We match up against them next month on their turf. Things won’t be pretty. Well, our dancing will be pretty, but little else.

I only have 1,000 words to say about this lol.

 Updizzle date by Merna LaKoi

Monday night marks the beginning of the weekend at BSU. And with the weekends comes parties.

Tonight I am so pumped for the Communist Party. We are all dressing up like our favorite communists and dancing till the sun goes down.

 I am so excited to see this guy:

Fideous is my homeboy.

It is true when they say that knowledge is a drug because look at this.  I was totally high on math theorems.

 I spent my thanksgiving break at Earth College.  There was a wicked sweet camping trip.  We collected specimens all weekend.  I have never had more fun in my life.  I found a frog with three heads, two torsos, and one leg.  Actually, I didn’t, but that would have been amazing to study the DNA of.  I could dream about that all day long.  On Sunday, I went to my part-time job at Burger King.  I refilled the drink dispensers and then sat in the play area.  I went and hid in the ball pit and scared little kids.

I am trying to find that costume that the King wears in the commercials, but so far no luck.  He is truly my idol.  Everyone knows that he doesn’t really look like that, he actually looks quite like Brad Pitt, who is my other idol. 

 Thats all for now folks.  This is Fideous, out!